Knock on Wood
by RubberDuckyPinwheels
Summary: SephirothxCloud, innuendos, and implied yaoi? Sephiroth, Cloud, and Vincent…painting a shed, things go a little awry…in a disturbing but amusing sort of way. Lousy summary I know, Next chapter rated M,
1. I

**Title: **_Knock on Wood_  
**Author:** _TynDawn_  
**Rating:** _R…I guess, I don't really know, It can be taken really wrong, does that count?_  
**Warnings(If any):** _Spilt paint and oodles innuendos o.o and a shocked and startled Vinni_  
**Genre:** _Total Crack nn and A one shot type thingy_  
**Pairing(s):** _Implied SephirothxCloud_  
**Disclaimer:** _I am in no way affiliated with Square-enix and do not own any of the mentioned characters, places, etc... and am merely borrowing them for entertainment purposes, and will put them right back on the shelf once I am done._  
**Summary:** _Sephiroth, Cloud, and Vincent…painting a shed, things go a little awry…in a disturbing but amusing sort of way._

**Author's notes:** _Inspiration to write this came from a phone conversation I had while talking to a friend, while I was staining some 2x4's…yeah, I was yelling obscene things, and thus, this was born. Enjoy! And reviews and any feedback are highly loved. Also, please, don't smack me over the head with any digital items that might hurt, yes, this is total and utter nonsense, it's just a bit of fun, don't flame me for making fun of Cloud, I can't help but love the little guy anyway._

Poor Vincent had utterly no idea how he had gotten fixed in this particular situation; in a pair of ivory-speckled and far too loose denim over-alls, a shoddy and almost pathetically tattered rag fastened over the crest of his head to draw back his much-loved and exceedingly adored tresses and keep it safe from harm, a paintbrush of soft new bristles held in one delicate hand, and a gallon bucket filled to the brim with thick high-gloss eggshell-white paint in the other. And to everyone's surprise, the man was out in the sun; his seemingly dangerous pointed boots had been left to the side in the grass safely tucked away in a nearby shadow while the sun bore down on Vincent as though it were finally victorious that the black-haired man had been called to stand beneath its bright and unforgiving rays.

Then again, Vincent assumed this was his own fault, since he couldn't seem to say 'No.' then again, it had been Cloud who asked him to help with the painting of the shed. The little chocobo head had made quite the big deal out of it, going on and on about the state of his shed; the cracking and peeling coat of paint, the rotten wood that seemed to be a feast to dozens upon dozens of ravenous worms, the gaping chasm-like hole in the North-East wall and the conked out hinges at the right-side of the lop-sided door. Still though, it had been Cloud's own doing that the shed was in such a state, it seemed he just didn't comprehend that practicing his fabled Omnislash in the back of his home was far from a good idea, still though, Cloud was the same man who practiced said move on a feral cat. Again, not such a good idea. So what else could he hope to expect.

Still though, perhaps it was a good thing that Sephiroth was there, at least the silver-haired man could keep on eye on the young blond menace. True, Cloud wasn't a terrible thing, but the man had the attention-span more befitting of a baseball bat, a very finicky baseball bat, mind you.

"Are you going to start painting, or are you going to stand there and stare at the side of the shed all day, Vincent?"

Shortly an unexpected voice abruptly jarred Vincent back into a more focused state of mind, an exceptionally lovely voice at that, one belonging to a certain sonofbeep adorned silvery locks of hair that could nearly measure up to to his own mane of onyx coated strands of silk.

"Hm?"

Vincent peeked over just as unruffled and composed as always, starring back at Sephiroth who had spoken up from a designated spot immediately behind Vincent's shoulder.

"I was getting to that; I was just…preparing myself."

The somewhat shorter black-haired man explained with his usual sense of level-headedness as he inwardly contained the desire to whack the other upside the head with the paintbrush set in his hand. It wasn't at all as though Vincent harbored some sort pent up fury toward Sephiroth, well, perhaps a bit. But cleanly put, it was quite rude, at least in Vincent's mind, to toddle at the back of another without any tell-tale sign or warning, and who knew where Sephiroth's eyes had been roving whilst the silver-haired sex god had been standing right behind him. Well, perhaps he should at the very least be appreciative that Sephiroth's hands hadn't been the ones doing the wandering.

"Hmmm, if that's what you'd like to call it, then please continue to do so."

Sephiroth retorted in his trade-marked cool tone with a cynical narrowing of those dark stone-like emerald stained eyes of his as he stepped aside to go before the door of the shed. Slipping within the confines of the shack, he allowed the nearly out-of-order and hideously maimed door to unceremoniously crash shut behind him with an ungainly ruckus.

To explain things, Vincent was in charge of the outer surface of the shed, whereas Sephiroth and Cloud had located themselves on the inside of it. How it had worked out that way? Truthfully, Vincent didn't know, and he didn't ask questions, now or ever. After all, he barely seemed to say anything at all, so why would he do so now of all times? Though, he did suppose, more or less, that once Sephiroth and Cloud were finished with the inside of the shed, they would be outside to finish gussying up the outer walls of the appalling timber-crafted box.

"Vincent…Want one?"

And just as Vincent had gone to dipping his brush onto the surface of the paint and raised the bristles to sweep against the fear-provoking corroded wood, he was interrupted by an additional voice, by Cloud, to be precise. Vincent blinked at the echo of the voice coming from inside the barrier of the shed and was caught off guard, entirely failing to recall that the vast fissure in the wall of the shed was fixated right next to his leg. Cloud's arm was poking through the gap in the wall, holding a can of soda in his fingers as he tapped Vincent upon the flesh of his outer thigh, offering said beverage, dripping wet with condensation.

Shady ruby eyes stared down at the gloved hand holding the drink as one of his eyebrows rose in a delicate arch, he frowned at the reality that Cloud had pestered him just as he was finally about to start this, alas, he griped in silence and reached a hand down, taking the offered drink and placing it next to his own naked foot.

"Thanks Cloud,"

He exhale noisily with just the softest bit of frustration under a gilded surface of gratitude, as Cloud replied back with a simple but stifled,

"No problem…Thanks for coming over by the way."

Nothing was given back to Cloud save for a somber bob of Vincent's head, the sleek black lace that was his hair sweeping over his eyes as he stared at stray bits of hair and shoved fly-away pieces into the raggedy-Ann-like bandana that was allegedly holding his hair back away from his features, but was failing wretchedly, of course.

Soon enough, Vincent was relieved when he wasn't troubled for yet another time, finally beginning to lay the paint down in fine and thin sheets, settling on the decision that he would apply no less than two coats, since the poor, pitiable, and dilapidated old thing seemed to need it so badly. And that was when Vincent wondered why Cloud didn't just look into purchasing a new-fangled and unscathed shed, after all, this one needed such a great deal of labor, and he found himself wondering if it was going to collapse at any given moment, which was one reason he was joyful to be on the outside of it.

However, he soon had another grounds to be grateful for being on the exterior of the shed in question, for soon enough, his ears gave a perk at a questionable noise coming from beyond the crumbling sheet of vertical wood.

**More Author's notes:** Well, I'm going to finish this, hopefully tonight or tomorrow, because if I don't, then it will have to wait till next week. Either way, comments are loved, so please give many of them, and who knows, perhaps more stories will be on the way soon, especially crack-ish ones! heart


	2. II

**Title: **_Knock on Wood (( Part Two ))_  
**Author:** _TynDawn (( Aka Pon ))_  
**Rating:** _M for this chapter, I'm not sure if it's right, but I want to be safe_  
**Warnings(If any):** _Spilt paint and oodles innuendos o.o and a shocked and startled Vinni_  
**Genre:** _Total Crack nn and A one shot type thingy (( Okay, I lied, it's more than a one-shot now ; ))_  
**Pairing(s):** _Implied SephirothxCloud_  
**Disclaimer:** _I am in no way affiliated with Square-enix and do not own any of the mentioned characters, places, etc... and am merely borrowing them for entertainment purposes, and will put them right back on the shelf once I am done._  
**Summary:** _Sephiroth, Cloud, and Vincent…painting a shed, things go a little awry…in a disturbing but amusing sort of way._

**Author's notes:** _Honestly, this was meant to be a quick one-shot, but I decided to make it a little bit longer than that. I hope you all enjoy. And remember, reviews earn stories._

Even the not-so distant resonance of majestically tweeting and harmoniously peeping birds could suppress the unsettling sounds that began to rise and bubble up from within seemingly endless cavern that was the shed, and the poor, unfortunate Vincent just didn't seem to know what to do, nor did he fancy guessing what was going on inside there. Then again, in the backside of his mind, he in truth didn't need even one lone guess…or so he presumed.

Vincent could have sworn a thousand times over and again that he heard heavy breathing from inside the shed before him. Wait…it was Cloud. The dark-haired man's eyes twitched slightly, there was no question about the sexuality of the two men within the shed, but still…he had no idea. And all he could do was raise his eyes upwards and away from the shining wet paint. Perhaps he wasn't listening close enough, was there a chance that his mind had wandered and he wasn't hearing what he thought he was hearing? Surely he couldn't have been hearing what his ears indeed told him that he was…right?

Perhaps…just maybe, with the slimmest bit of hope Vincent prayed that Cloud had tumbled from a small stepstool, slipped a few discs, shattered his spinal column, couldn't get up and was being mocked by Sephiroth. Which could have been the reason for the unfathomably shallow and coarse breathing that was coming just beyond the fence-like barricade that was the rotting shack?

Vincent's head shook hastily from side to side in fierce denial as his upper chest began to tighten from those thoughts, trying gallantly to shake the vast depths of his brain of any unchaste thoughts of what those two just might be doing in the safety of that death-trap crafted of once fine oak, now lack luster. They were painting and tidying up in there, weren't they?

Then again, who was sent into a bit of almost raspy breathing and…wait, what was that? Undersized grunting.

Grunts and stifled grinding breaths that very well could have been the result of two lovers being wedged within the smoldering throes of unbridled and unreasonably feral passion. Or at the very least, this is the conclusion that Vincent's mind came to after the rather brief but all so intense bit of thinking that he did on the matter at hand. Whether or not it was completely or even slightly true. Still, he couldn't find any other truth in this.

Vincent's eye jerked unconscientiously, he just heard Cloud…give a light grunt followed by a paper-thin whimpering sound. Oh dear. Vincent swallowed roughly, he could feel warmth mounting in his cheeks; whether it was from mortification or merely the images that were now leisurely and yet all too quickly looping and curling their way into his head, he honestly didn't know, nor could he rightfully say.

Cloud's fingers stretched onward in a struggle to attain a unnamed something in the crook of a far-too-high shelf. The blond was pushed up onto the very toes of his boots; one arm towering above his head while his fingers fumbled and groped blindly for the object as his other hand was used to steady himself on a lower ledge just cutting at the line of his waist. Gnawing at his own lip, he gave a small grunt of annoyance and squeezed his eyes shut as he attempted to elongate himself further to recover said article from the remote regions that Cloud was so close to reaching and overcoming by just the width of a solitary fingernail, or perhaps two for all he knew.

Ah, but Cloud was far too unwavering in his dauntless undertaking to renounce his doings, that or you could probably call him _'Bull-headed'_ and be able to get away with it flawlessly and without consequence. Still, he didn't lower himself from the shelves or move to pull away. Pressing himself against the shelves, lines of dirty powder stamped themselves onto the material of his clothing and gave birth to supple rustling sounds that must have alarmed Vincent all the more. One of Cloud's cheeks was found hard-pressed against the rim of a shelf, the blond chewing at his own lip once more just before his tongue peeked out at the juncture of his mouth, his lips finally parting with a small, "Ah!" as he felt just the bare tip of a fingernail scrape against the desired object, though he simply succeeded in nudging it beyond his own grasp even more so than it had previously been. "Almost there," He mumbled out in an edgy fragment of irritation to himself.

Unfortunately enough, Cloud didn't grasp just how dreadfully mistaken that expression could be, or the fact that an undoubtedly ill at ease Vincent was right outside and assuming that things within that modest tool shed were not as innocent and untainted as they were.

The taller male in the shed was kept busy at the other side of the tiny hut, using a rumpled cloth to brush away wretched particles and remnants of grunge, filth and sawdust along with other nameless and all so vexing micro-organisms. Upon hearing Cloud's noble and ongoing efforts go on for no less than three solid and all so concrete minutes, the older of the two twisted around in an amused manner, a finely tuned smirk set upon his placid features. The sleeves upon his shirt were drawn up, a delicate layer of filth covered him and even his cheekbones were dusted by a thin sheen of dingy air that couldn't do anything but bring more justice to his unsullied features.

"You know…you sound like you're on the verge of an orgasm. You wouldn't need any help, would you?"

Was Sephiroth's voice, intended for none other than the mulish flaxen-haired youth who whipped around on the spot and lowered himself to his heels, as he glared at the other tenaciously. Just like a mule, as always.

"I almost had it that time,"

The blond defended himself stubbornly with a glower that was, of course, not at all menacing or threatening in any manner to the man known as Sephiroth who stood before him.

"That's just like you, to never even bother asking for help with something that you know you can't do on your own,"

Sephiroth replied evenly before stepping ahead and to Cloud's side, reaching up with great poise, one arm quickly retrieved the renegade paintbrush that Cloud had been after. Cloud took the brush and stared up at Sephiroth with a look that showed he wasn't at all impressed with Sephiroth's advantage of being taller. It wasn't Cloud's fault he didn't have Sephiroth's stature. Though, Sephiroth would have completely laid the blame on him, and he knew this completely. It was his second nature to expect this.

Back in the realm of the outside world, Vincent did nothing but pause, the brush just a bare inch away from the surface of the half-painted wood, completely stunned. Eyes wide in a question he dare not speak, mouth slightly agape with nothing to say, nose giving a small half-disturbed and half confused twitch, as he stood there seemingly stuck like a small fly on a tab of sticky paper while the brush in his hand dripped in a calculated way to the grass below.

It went without saying that Vincent's mind was instantly flooded by dozens of images; some good, some bad, and some were more than disturbing. And he was thankful, so very thankful, for his strong constitution.


	3. III

**Title: **_Knock on Wood (( Part Three ))_  
**Author:** _TynDawn (( Aka Pon ))_  
**Rating:** _R…I guess, I don't really know, It can be taken really wrong, does that count?_  
**Warnings(If any):** _Spilt paint and oodles innuendos o.o and a shocked and startled Vinni_  
**Genre:** _Total Crack nn and A one shot type thingy_  
**Pairing(s):** _Implied SephirothxCloud, implied BirdxVincent (( O.O ))_  
**Disclaimer:** _I am in no way affiliated with Square-enix and do not own any of the mentioned characters, places, etc... and am merely borrowing them for entertainment purposes, and will put them right back on the shelf once I am done._  
**Summary:** _Sephiroth, Cloud, and Vincent…painting a shed, things go a little awry…in a disturbing but amusing sort of way._

**Author's notes:** _Well here it is, the ending. Don't take it seriously. And I've been thinking of expanding on this more, writing a more serious sequel I dunno yet though, feedback might change my mind for the better. _

Several moments had passed and it seemed that Vincent just might get some peace of mind after all, at least for a short time, at any rate. And soon enough, Vincent's mind had gone to wander, struggling to pull itself away from the clutches of the nearest gutter. He soon found his mind focusing on a small bird with wings of a soft chocolate brown, with dark and scattered etchings that resembled flecks of coal. The small thing was above him, perching itself on part of the shed, its small toes curled about the edge of the rotting wood.

It appeared to be watching him, cocking it's head from side to side and giving small sporadic blinks. Vincent didn't say a word or move; he simply stood there staring up at the small thing as it gave a sharp chirping sound.

Vincent gave a quick flinch when he felt something cold at the top of his foot, dripping down the side. He turned his eyes downward to watch a small bead of white paint sliding against the flesh of his foot before it dripped and pooled onto the grass below. Again, he heard a small peeping sound and glanced up again at the bird. The small feathery thing puffed out it's feathers and ruffled itself as if it were attempting to impress a mate. And perhaps, just perhaps that mate was Vincent.

And yet, that was when he heard it,

"Agh! The wood's dripping!"

Vincent jumped instantly, dropping the paintbrush in his hand. The brush hit the ground as paint splattered over the green sheet of the grass, however the brush itself had landed right upon Vincent's foot, to which he grimaced and kicked lightly at the betraying brush. However, his attention hadn't stayed on that event for long, simply because he glanced up and stared fearfully at the gaping hole in the side of the shed, afraid to dare sneak a peek inside.

Giving a dry swallow, he tried to calm his features, turning his eyes to the small bird that remained perched in it's spot. However, the little thing had shrunken down, its feather laying smooth and sleek as it's head shrunk down searching for refuge among the plumes, looking utterly horrified.

"You weren't even here earlier,"

Vincent shot a comment back towards that creature before he paused, a blank expression catching his features, as if he just now realized that it couldn't understand him.

Shaking his head, he gave a rough sigh and closed his eyes. This was pure torture. Never would he give Cloud a hand again. Never.

Sephiroth's nose twitched slightly at Cloud's yelp, glancing back at the shorter blond as Cloud had briskly ran the bristles over the wood, trying to smooth the coat of paint quickly before it dried. "Do you have to yell so loudly?" He questioned with that same soft arrogance he always held upon his shoulders. "I wasn't even touching you, so you had no right to be screaming."

Cloud gave a twitch and turned, furrowing his brow at the other and stifling a sigh, "It's not my fault. I don't want this to look tacky." He defended himself and looked back at the part of the shed that he had been painting. Sephiroth turned and glanced over at Cloud's work, instantly noticing small spattered bits of paint scattered over the floor, as well as the blonde's cheeks, the nearly endless air bubbles, and uneven coating.

"Yes, not tacky whatsoever."

The silver-haired man retorted with a smirk before turning back to his own work, his flawless and utterly perfect work, of course. Cloud brushed away the comment, simply from dullness and went back to laying coats of paint over the wood, quite contented with his own quality, until however, he heard a small peep from outside, to which he turned his attention.

Vincent on the other hand, was thankful that he was nearly finished already; having to admit that fear of Sephiroth and Cloud's activities had been an excellent form of motivation.

However, nothing could have ever have prepared Vincent for what he heard next, a loud shuffling, an almost pathetic screech from Cloud as he heard the words,

"No! Don't lick the wood!"

Vincent's jaw fell open, his little feathered companion flying off in less than an instant and leaving a scattered trail of feathers. And no sound came from him. Oh dear lord. Vincent's mind went rampant; his stomach lurched, and he could feel the heat dusting itself over his cheeks like crushed coral.

However, Vincent had no idea whatsoever, that the young blond and Sephiroth had found themselves with a new 'friend.' A large chocolate lab, eyes the color of rich honey and a tongue that made you wonder why it didn't drag on the floor. How it had gotten it, they hadn't a clue, perhaps another boundless chasm in the shed walls? Most likely.

And as only natural, it had startled Cloud when the blond had looked down to find it lapping contently at the wet paint glistening on the shelves. Cloud had panicked. And as far as he could figure, he had every right to do so. He was not going to have some sticking corpse of a dog in his shed, and he wasn't going to have tongue marks in his paint. Though, Sephiroth and anyone else in their right mind would have argued that the tongue prints would have been an improvement, at least when it came to Cloud's handiwork.

Cloud quickly grabbed the dog at the scruff of the neck as he valiantly tried to get the thing out of the shed and back into the outside world. Sephiroth gave a sigh, watching the blond struggle, and deciding quickly he shouldn't let this go out of control, lest the entire shed collapse on them, and what with Cloud's pleads of, "Seph! Make it stop! Make it…!". Quickly finding where the mongrel had gotten in, Sephiroth grabbed the dog by the collar and began to guide it out, despite it's constant and rampant sniffing. However, Cloud's finger had gotten caught between Sephiroth's finger and the old ratted collar. Tugging his hand, he tried to free himself, and when he did, his hand snapped out and he found himself tumbling backwards, only to crash to against the wall.

Ah, just one more thing to cause Vincent to step back in even more terror than before.

Sadly, Cloud's elbow had bumped into a board that was leaning upwards and resting upon one of the shelves. The impact of his crash causing the board to slip to the side and glide along the shelf, successfully crashing into the waiting paint-can.

Once Sephiroth had shooed the dog away, his attention was caught by the falling container of paint, white substance sloshing out and successfully dousing the front of his pants before it clattered to the cement below and rolled away into the middle of the floor, where it lay silent and waiting.

Cloud covered his mouth as one eye gave a small twitch, holding in laughter which keeping became heaps of bright color lining his cheeks. Sephiroth gave an annoyed glare and took several strides over to the blond, offering a hand as he cocked his brow. Cloud pulled his hands away from his mouth and looked up sheepishly,

"Sephiroth…your…pants." 

He pointed out, with a small finger gesture.

"Yes, I know."

Cloud shrunk and took Sephiroth's hand, standing upright and taking a cloth from a shelf. "Here." He spoke up, moving forward to wipe along where the paint had been spilled, right at the front of Sephiroth's pants.

"Stop it! I can do it myself."

"Here, it's almost gone. Stop being such a whiner."

Sephiroth's hips snapped back trying to avoid the cloth and Cloud's hand, but no such luck as the blond was determined, which ended up in Sephiroth taking a step back. And what should befall them other than Sephiroth's foot stepping squarely upon the surface of the fallen paint-can. The bottom of his boot slipping against the surface as he flew backwards, a hand snatching out and grabbing Cloud's wrist as the two of them were projected backwards and smacked against the inside of the door.

A loud crack was heard and the door instantly cracked, the two of them falling right through it and ending up sprawled at the front of the shed.

Vincent's eyes turned, instantly catching sight of the two; limbs tangled, faces flushed, hair mussed and chaotic. His eyes widened at the sight of their legs entangled and Sephiroth's hand clinging onto Cloud's wrist for dear life, the other hand tucked around Cloud's back, while Cloud's hands were stationed upon Sephiroth's chest.

The gunner found his cheeks going pale when he saw the sight of a white colored liquid dripping steadily from the side of Sephiroth's pants, white smudges all over Cloud's hand. Those rich crimson eyes rolling up before he suddenly found himself flat on his back, his eyes closed with lashes fanning over his cheeks like black lace.

Sephiroth and Cloud exchanged silent glances, looking over at Vincent and giving a blink, both completely unaware of those haunting images in Vincent's mind. And nothing but a small concerned address directed at Vincent, "…Vincent?"

Quickly though, Sephiroth's finger had laid itself upon Cloud's lips, instantly hushing him, "Shhhh, Let him sleep," He insisted, catching the other off guard with just a single wink of one emerald eye, "We don't want him to interrupt us when we move to the bedroom."


End file.
